The World According To Jim

Hey everyone This new poem was written after reading Lesley Riddoch’s column in yesterday’s National on the inner workings of the mind of a certain James Sanctimonious Murphy. In her column, Ms Riddoch points out how he is expert at grabbing headlines and taking credit for ideas which were never his or his party’s. This professional charlatan needs to exposed for the fraud he is and will forever be and believe me Lesley has done a real job on him going as far as to say that ‘Murphy is so constantly repackaging the truth he sounds like the Del Boy of Scottish politics’. I have to say this made me chuckle though I wonder if she got her comparisons ever slightly wrong
As an Only Fools And Horses fan for over three decades I consider this to be slander against Del Boy who though a chancer at least had some lovable traits unlike Mr Murphy who like those other green Brits Kelly, Curran, Reid, Galloway and Wilson have precisely none. And yes I say this as a Celtic supporter. My football loyalties aside I have serious opinions on serious issues and the prospect Murphy leading the queue for a bus let alone my country is actually terrifying. Indeed if he was to be compared to any characters in this hit comedy I would say he was a lethal combination of Boycie and Trigger. This is why I have tackled the press and media created Murphy fairytale in this rather tongue in check poem. I have titled it The World According To Jim. I hope you enjoy the read.

The World According To Jim

On the first day I invented the air
but told you not to despair
as on the second day I would teach you how to breathe
on day three I invented bread
I realised my people who were nice and middle class had to be fed
so I cut it in to slices and threw the leftovers to the poor
yes I know that’s shocking
but if they can only access our crumbs and droppings
they may not always be with us
we may celebrate their wretched demise
sooner rather than later
on day four I led you all in to the wilderness of a land named Labour
after this I taught you how to lie
cry fake tears when somebody dies
in a thing called war
this is something of which I approve
as it removes those I don’t like from our society
on day five I taught you the values of piety and sugar coated words
so that my promises do not sound like the lies we know them to be
then I made another claim and I told you we are born all free
though real freedom can only be found in the truth
which you can gain only through worshipping me
on day six I gave you the skills of deception
the darkest art of all
where you warn people of the consequences of not supporting me or my beliefs
on day seven supported you in your decisions
to give grief to all those outsiders who will never fit in our happy little land
when day eight came I schooled you in the art of ignorance
teaching you to mock the views of those you don’t want to understand
on day nine I commanded you to walk on by whenever you see poverty
talk with scorn to those who want to help people in disadvantaged communities or nations
remember I am your glorious leader and worthy of inspiration
finally I taught you the true value of selfishness and greed
and why it’s all about mind thyself forget those in need
their opinions don’t matter
and never ever will
now excuse me I’m off to practice my footballing skills
by doing some keepy uppy
whilst balancing on an Irn Bru create
but fear not children I’ll be back
remember our motto I’m alright in the land of union jack
look after yourselves and worship at the temple of your creator
I am Jim and my land is Labour
It has no room for anyone else
dissent will not be tolerated
now or ever
my world is too fragile for that
and the ego system which sustains it
would be completely and totally destroyed.

@ Gayle Smith 2015

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