Hey everyone Good Morning and welcome to the long lie. This is the first edition of the newest and best news programme in Scotland where we admit that we miss report the facts and tell our audience that every story we will have for you is based on rumour. And on this our first day we have sensational news just breaking on a story which will rock Scottish politics and neither the Proclaimers or Runrig are involved in it
Today as we enter the last few miles of the independence referendum marathon I can exclusively reveal the nightmare that all unionists have been dreading will take place this afternoon as two senior members of better together will announce the defections to Yes Scotland. The two defectors are said to be amongst the sharpest minds in better together. Acting on this secret tip off bookies have reacted quickly to rule out any current members of Labour Westminster Scotland team claiming that the Faroe Islands have more chance of beating Brazil in this year’s World Cup Final and since the Faroes
haven’t qualified for the event that would take a bit of doing.
A spokesman for William Hill said in the unlikely event of them being named as the defectors any punter backing them should replace George Osborne as Chancellor of the Exchequer as they obviously have such vision they could wipe out all global debt in ten seconds and be hailed as the saviours of the world.
Meanwhile speculation mounts that one of the defectors could be Conservative leader in Scotland Ruth Davidson who was recently mocked by an Edinburgh zoo keeper who commenting on the health of the Panda’s said they were enjoying the food again and joked that were showing signs that the green shoots of recovery were starting to be seen. On overhearing this comment Ms Davidson thanked the zoo keeper for his praise of the coalition policies to which he replied shut it you I’m talking to the panda’s. On hearing this Ms Davidson was heard muttering to herself by that well respected blogger otherwise known as tartantights. Where did I put Alex Salmond’s phone number I want to say Yes.
The other defector is reckoned to be a Labour member with principles. This according to my source narrows the search down somewhat though the money is not thought to be on Alastair Darling. Drew Smith has been mentioned but is not thought likely because as a Hibs fan he has serious issues with the First Minister who offered him a free football fact finding trip. At first Smith was reported to be well up for the visit, till he found out that the trip was to Malmo. The rumour mill has also brought the name of Kezia Dugdale in to the running along with that of one noble lord who claimed he was fed up being taken to the strangers bar and being left with a bunch of them. The favourite however is well known Celtic fan and former MSP Frank McAveety who is believed to have been won over because he heard an Independent Scotland would be paradise for all Celts.
On hearing that this story had hit the headlines a spokesperson for better together said we know the defectors are but we don’t care because we have got two of the sharpest brains in America to take their place Dan Quayle and Sarah Pallin.
In other news Danny Alexander tells a packed press conference that one day he will be Prime Minister a spokesperson for William Hill has immediately installed Kylie Minogue as favourite to succeed Alex Salmond as First Minister of Scotland. The spokesperson said I know it’s unlikely to take place it is still more likely than Scotland winning the World Cup, Tony Blair telling the truth, or the Labour Party discovering socialism.
Also God is said to having a crisis of confidence and no longer believes in himself. A BBC reporter has been found guilty of telling the truth, Bob Geldof has turned down a sainthood, and Keith Lemon has just been announced as the favourite to take over as head of ITV current affairs. This has been the first edition of the long lie whether we are allowed to be back on air tomorrow could depend on how just how gullible you actually are. However on this historic day the summary of the stories are as follows. Patriots pandas and Kylie’s new job would normally all make the headlines but better together have to watch the defectors and replace them with ones they don’t want
Love And Best Wishes